Mental Melt Down

So my day started out pretty good. 16 lbs down. Not bad.

My workout with Otto started out bad.

We were doing Arnold Presses and I was struggling. I couldn't figure out why and felt really defeated by the time I got to the last set. I think that set the mood for the rest of my night. Come to find out, last time I did Arnold Presses, I did it with 8lb weights and tonight, I was using the 15 lbs weights. Duh, right? Still, my mood was off.

I could feel myself getting whinier by the minute which didn't phase OTTO...which is a good thing.

So, Arnold Presses--4 sets of 12 with 15 lbs
Front detloid cable raises 2 sets of 12 with 20 lbs and 1 set of 15 with 20
Lateral raises 30 lbs for 10, 20 for 10, 15 for 12, 15 for 12
Rear deltoid extensions 30 lbs for 10, 15 lbs for 12, 15lbs for 12
active rest in between sets

After this it was a circuit of exercises for 5 minutes. By this time, I was done. Mentally done and physically done. I didn't want to do anymore. Half way into this 5 minutes of hell, I just stopped and said "I'm done". Otto just blankly looked at me and said "what"...I said "I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore" At that moment he stepped in to say something to me about not quitting, I'm not really sure what, however the perceived aggressiveness of him stepping into "my space" set me over the edge. At that particular moment OTTO became "A man" trying to tell me what to do. I won't go into specifics in a public blog about the things that have happened to me in the past, but I can tell you that I have very good reason to feel the way that I do. I pride myself on being in control and vowed to never let a man ( or woman for that matter) dominate me ever again. Inside, I wanted to yell at OTTO, scream at him...snap his head off. I had to bite the inside of my cheek and I started doing the jumping jacks and finished the exercises but I didn't respond to really anything other than that. I laid there on the mat and he gave me my time to relax. I quickly was back into reality, realizing what had just occurred. I felt bad, really awful that I was about ready to snap on OTTO. I was just out of my comfort zone and in a place that I haven't been and vowed I would never be, which was not in control. I briefly told OTTO that I was in a place that I didn't like. He said he knew, that he saw something change in me. He said pushing me was going to bring up old emotions/issues and we'd work through them.

I left the gym, cried all the way home. My poor husband had no idea what was wrong with me. He grabbed my hands to pull me in to hug him. I looked up at him and said "Let go of my hands, don't restrict my movement right now. It's not you, it's me" He gave me my space and I explained everything to him later on.

I emailed OTTO and told him how I was feeling, why I felt this way. His answer was pretty simple, that I was always in control of how I react to situations. He's right. I also apologized for the things I was "thinking" I wanted to do to him and that I appreciated all the time and effort he was putting into me to see me succeed. I also asked for him not to ease up on me (which I'm sure he wouldn't anyway) as I need that pushing as I need to confront the past. When it all boils down to it, the past is the reason why I was comfortable with gaining weight to begin with. As confident as I can appear in my uniform, there is always a crack there. Now I have seen that, I'm gonna work hard on fixing it.

Thanks OTTO for not taking it personally. :)